Prompt: Think about what a self-portrait means to you. Is it a depiction of what you look like? A bridge between your private and public regard? Or a collection of your lived experiences?
Sketch: https://editor.p5js.org/ryrotella/sketches/-Zy38Ih5q
For my first blog post chronicling my journey in Intro to Computational Media, I must confess something. I am bad at drawing. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t practiced enough or my brain cannot get my hands to cooperate with my mental image. In any case, I avoid drawing realistic things because they will not look realistic, no matter how hard I (reasonably) try. As a child and still now, I gravitate toward making abstract shapes. I litter the page with them, cluttering the paper with squiggles, circles drawn over each other, triangles appearing out of chaos, etc. I draw them in such a frenzy because I am trying vigorously to convey how I feel visually but struggle to make it concrete.
With P5.js, I initially intended to make a realistic portrait of myself. I wanted to christen this new tool to learn by proving I can finally make something accurate and precise with math and programming. I planned out to draw my body with 4 elements corresponding. I would draw the air above my blonde head, symbolizing my propensity to burrow my head in the clouds, daydreaming and imagining quietly. I would make my blue eyes watery, swimming in thought and wanting to be like water, as Bruce Lee put it. I would put fire in my belly (literally on the page), signaling hunger, desire, strength, an engine. I would put my feet on the ground with the mountains behind me, referencing the Great Smoky Mountains near Knoxville, TN, my home.
As you can see, my portrait did not turn out like that. I became fascinated with the shapes of the mountains and getting my favorite color of the sky right. That color when the sun is setting and there’s a perfect arrangement of purple clouds, pink tone, and the orange of the sun saluting. From there, I abandoned portraying myself realistically. I went with making more visible some truths embedded in who I am, something not easily perceived on my surface.
First, I started with my favorite color of a sunset and Great Smoky Mountains I call home. The mountains there are very green with forests covering them all the way, except the peak. I wanted to represent the toughness of the mountains with purple but put almost a green lens overlapping.
Then, I filled the background orange to codify my family’s allegiance with the University of Tennessee Knoxville where my mother and father met and fell in love, my sister graduated a D1 student-athlete, my grandfather and uncle and father all playing football there, and we still cheer fanatically in all the university’s respective athletic endeavors.
After that, I put two streams flowing into a pool in the ground. I did this because I am a water sign (Pisces). More so, I did this because I love playing in the water, whether it’s a creek or a pool or the ocean. I feel at peace in the water.
Finally, I made a bunch of red and blue bubbles to embody my current feeling. I feel split between two places: my home with my family and most of my friends versus here in New York, at the start of an exciting journey with new friends and great minds. In this transition, I feel that I’m still floating through the city, learning how to incorporate all I’m experiencing in my inner life. This inner life still carries Tennessee in it, and I’m learning to reconcile it with joy. Also, my nickname as a baby was Bubbles.
I felt a real sense of play putting this portrait together. I enjoyed being able to assemble this image without cramping my hands and being able to tell a computer what to do that my body cannot instinctively. I look forward to exploring this newfound freedom in this expressive medium but I am curious how much emotion a computer program can convey. Can pixels generate wonder and passion like a brushstroke can?
Ryan Rotella 
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